North Korea Fixes the Hack-a-Shaq,
Ruins Everything Else
Supreme Leader of North Korea and basketball enthusiast Kim Jong-un
|
Shaquille O'Neal
|
July 29, 2015 - Last weekend, voters in the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea went to the polls to vote for a candidate. I am being literal when I say that all the voters went to the polls and voted for the only candidate. The 99.7% turnout was rounded up by the KCNA (Korean Central News Agency) as the remaining 0.03% of the population was “on foreign tour or working on oceans.” While waiting in line to vote, citizens saw posters in polling places with helpful campaign slogans reading “let’s all vote for the candidate.”
Though many people think that Kim Jong-un’s Workers' Party is the only political party in the country, in fact there are several. There’s the Korean Social Democratic Party, the Cheondoist Chongu Party, and even confusingly named General Association of Korean Residents in Japan Party. All these choices might overwhelm an uninformed voter, so the government helpfully cuts through the red tape and only puts one of these options on the ballot, depending on what local municipality you live in.
So, let’s keep score. High voter turnout, check. Multiple political parties (even if you don’t get to choose which to vote for), check. Special “I voted” stickers when you get out of the booth, no check, but government minders do check you off a list that says you voted so that you and your family are not deported to a work camp.
Though many people think that Kim Jong-un’s Workers' Party is the only political party in the country, in fact there are several. There’s the Korean Social Democratic Party, the Cheondoist Chongu Party, and even confusingly named General Association of Korean Residents in Japan Party. All these choices might overwhelm an uninformed voter, so the government helpfully cuts through the red tape and only puts one of these options on the ballot, depending on what local municipality you live in.
So, let’s keep score. High voter turnout, check. Multiple political parties (even if you don’t get to choose which to vote for), check. Special “I voted” stickers when you get out of the booth, no check, but government minders do check you off a list that says you voted so that you and your family are not deported to a work camp.
Dennis Rodman
Before we get to the deeper point about what this election means to the sport of international ballotball, lets travel back in time. In 2013, former NBA player and professional wrestler, Dennis Rodman visited North Korea to watch a basketball game.
While sitting next to Kim Jung-un, Rodman saw a game that looked vaguely like the one he played for 14 professional seasons, but with radically different rules. The rules state that if you miss a free throw, you lose a point. Ever since the Hack-a-Shaq days, NBA teams have been trying to figure out what to do with low percentage big men. Is Kim Jung-un crazy, or did he just solve the problem? Sorry DeAndre Jordan, you’re riding the bench. There's no way Doc is letting you out there with the game on the line and a 60% chance you're going to literally cost your team points at the foul line. Though on second thought, he might have made at least some of them back with slam dunks. Since a dunk is worth 3 points instead of 2, Jordan might have been able to work his way out of the hole. So much for that theory.
An even more exciting rule comes into play late in the action. In the final three minutes of each quarter, every field goal is worth a whopping 8 points instead of the original 2. No lead would be safe in such a game. Reggie Miller’s iconic 8 points in 19 seconds in New York, seems a lot less impressive in Pyongyang.
While sitting next to Kim Jung-un, Rodman saw a game that looked vaguely like the one he played for 14 professional seasons, but with radically different rules. The rules state that if you miss a free throw, you lose a point. Ever since the Hack-a-Shaq days, NBA teams have been trying to figure out what to do with low percentage big men. Is Kim Jung-un crazy, or did he just solve the problem? Sorry DeAndre Jordan, you’re riding the bench. There's no way Doc is letting you out there with the game on the line and a 60% chance you're going to literally cost your team points at the foul line. Though on second thought, he might have made at least some of them back with slam dunks. Since a dunk is worth 3 points instead of 2, Jordan might have been able to work his way out of the hole. So much for that theory.
An even more exciting rule comes into play late in the action. In the final three minutes of each quarter, every field goal is worth a whopping 8 points instead of the original 2. No lead would be safe in such a game. Reggie Miller’s iconic 8 points in 19 seconds in New York, seems a lot less impressive in Pyongyang.
So, North Korea plays basketball and ballotball a little differently from the rest of the world. So, what?
The point is that just because you hold an election, it doesn't mean you're a functioning democracy. Elections are a necessary element of democracy, but they aren't sufficient in and of themselves. An election can just as easily legitimate a government as it can be made into a crude tool of oppression. North Korean defectors testify that polling places in their country serve a purpose comparable to a prison roll call. If someone doesn’t show up to vote, they must be up to no good and are promptly investigated.
For now, Kim Jung-un can keep throwing down a dunk and counting it as 3 points, but he’ll need to do more than play this game to truly call his country a People’s Democratic Republic.
The point is that just because you hold an election, it doesn't mean you're a functioning democracy. Elections are a necessary element of democracy, but they aren't sufficient in and of themselves. An election can just as easily legitimate a government as it can be made into a crude tool of oppression. North Korean defectors testify that polling places in their country serve a purpose comparable to a prison roll call. If someone doesn’t show up to vote, they must be up to no good and are promptly investigated.
For now, Kim Jung-un can keep throwing down a dunk and counting it as 3 points, but he’ll need to do more than play this game to truly call his country a People’s Democratic Republic.